Adoption Miscarriage

It has been a rough day. A little over 3 weeks ago we reviewed the file of the precious almost 5yo who had the "small head circumference" diagnosis. We received her file (along with a few other families) on a Wednesday afternoon. We had the file reviewed and called CCAI before they opened the next morning, Thursday, to say we wanted her. Fortunately for her, there were a couple families that wanted her and we were not the first to call. A family had already committed to her by late Wednesday afternoon. While we realize that the most important thing is that this little one find her forever family, we were still sad. Twice a year I work registration for a trade show and right after hearing this news I was out the door for a week long show. We work 14-15 hour non-stop days and I got right into the swing of things. To be honest, although I was sad, I didn't have time to wallow. On Friday afternoon, during set up, my cell phone rang...a 303 area code that I failed to even notice! I answered and it was Deniece...the one I always talk to although it had been Pam that told us the news the day before. Deniece told me that the other family was definitely going ahead with the little girl (yay! and where are you!?) and she knew it had been rough on my husband and I....and she had a file of a little girl she thought might be perfect for us. WHAT???!!!! She gave me a basic rundown on this little 3 year old sweetheart. I asked her to email the file to my husband at home and to me at the show. Of course I was bawling my eyes out and the only thing I remember really asking was, "Does she have hair?" which is really funny because that was the first thing I asked when Sean was being born! I quickly called my husband and told him to pull up her file and I ran to a computer with all my workmates crowded around (they heard). I couldn't even type! Her file was pretty extensive and her general diagnosis was strabismus and possible mild cerebral palsy. I immediately sent the file to our pediatrician friend and to my Mom (she has been a nurse for forever). Then our meetings started and ran for the next 5 or 6 hours and I couldn't do anything! That night my doctor friend called and gave me a pretty positive report. He explained a lot of things to me and was generally reassuring. We also sent the file to a specialist(who we had talked to about the other little girl.) I din't get home until Wednesday and we spoke to the specialist then. His review was a complete opposite of my friend's. He actually said, "Well, if you don't adopt her nobody will. If you adopt her you will literally be saving her life." Great. No pressure there, right? He went on to explain that he felt she was very delayed mentally. The next day I called Deniece and she said she would get the CT report and try to get a video. A few days later we got the CT report (slightly abnormal, but not grossly so) along with a statement from the rep in China: "Don't let the family decide too fast. They need to see the video first." Hmmmm...that could go either way, right? Well, we finally received the video yesterday. She is the most beautiful, precious, darling little sweetheart....but she is not meant for us. I am happy though that they are going to place her on the website and she will be available to aother CCAI families. I hope and pray that her family sees her. Her physical needs I think we could handle; she shuffles along and doesn't seem to be able to lift her feet, but her cognitive abilities were too risky for us. I am sure there is a great possibility that she just needs some close attention and she will thrive. But the what ifs were too much for us to take on...
Anyway, it has been a hugely emotional day and I liken the feeling to how I felt after one of our miscarriages. My adoption miscarriage.
CCAI (Deniece) was amazing. So kind and compassionate.